A Moment of Pause

I’m going to walk a fine line here. It’s a precarious endeavor, for me, because I usually prefer to keep the more emotive details of my life private. I’ve debated about this for days and decided that I created this blog so that I could reflect on the events of my life, be they positive or negative.


With that said, what I write is strictly to maneuver around my own thoughts. The words that get documented are reflections of how my mind is working at the time. They are not meant to appeal to the reader and garner any sort of gratuitous empathy or discomfort. In other words, what I write won’t always be cheery, but I don’t write it to get words of comfort or encouragement. I write to understand myself, to place my thoughts in some sort of space in my mind that will give them meaning, or logic.


A very close friend passed away just over a week ago. She had been suffering from leukemia for less than a year. From what I understand, the progression was more swift than usual. I won’t go into details about her because it’s not my place. My response to her death is about me and how I am dealing with it. I’m not sure, even as I write this, what, exactly, I should be writing. I’m noticing that I have a tendency to shut down. It’s not denial so much as my brain not allowing me to process it completely. I think I’m feeding myself bits and pieces of it, a little at a time so that it will be digestible.


I bring it up because it explains why I’ve been absent from much of my writing for a while. I also bring it up because it will explain much of what will be appearing here. Yes, there will be references to mourning, but it is not my way to wallow in melodramatic gestures. If you look at my margin, it is actually true that I have been reading The Poe Shadow. It just so happens that I had the image of the raven on a skull in my files, so I post it for the week because it ties to the reading that I’m currently doing. So as much as it wasn’t inspired by Julie’s death, it does reference a certain morbidity, however unintentional.


As for the Wilde quote:
Death must be so beautiful. To lie in the soft brown earth, with the grasses waving above one's head, and listen to silence. To have no yesterday, and no tomorrow. To forget time, to forgive life, to be at peace.

I’ll admit that this one was selected to reflect my current state. But I specifically chose it because it was (in my opinion) actually a comforting view of death. Anyone who knows me can tell you that my absolute favorite writer is Wilde. I love his unapologetic wit, his cynicism and willingness to brush off anything too heavy. I read these words and thought them perfectly appropriate. If ever he finally said something sincere without being sappy, these words are it. Having a similar attitude, myself, they were perfect for me and I can’t imagine anyone being able to say anything more comforting without appealing to over-sentimentality.


So there you have it. This is what I’m currently dealing with, though, I prefer to walk through it alone, at my pace. I’ll likely start writing again, unrelated to the present situation, and will go back to my routine.


Thanks to anyone still reading.