It's a Beautiful Day in This Neighborhood

(All together, now!)
...A beautiful day for a neighbor
would you be mine?
Could you be mine?
...
Won't you be my neighbor?
Hi neighbor!



Indeed a lovely day here at The Resort and Zoological Gardens*, much to my joy. Today, after work, I watered the front garden roses then moved to the back yard where I did my routine trajectory around the perimeter, dedicating each tree, pot and flower its individual time and attention.

The dog, cat, bird and flying insect population was out in all its glory. Two very large Junebugs and one bee stayed stubbornly around the apple tree. Two hummingbirds, and a number of mockingbirds and sparrows (the regulars) relayed between the mandarin, the guava trees, and the rose trees, where their nests are, eager to get a taste of the mist coming off my water hose.

I alternate yard activities, so as to keep everyone involved and interested. Tomorrow is grooming day and everyone is getting brushed. They do enjoy that, as do I. I highly recommend the Furminator. No, I don't have stock in it. I've just been through every comb out there and for the purposes of shedding, it's the best I've found. It's not a flea comb. I still use a flea comb to keep the critters pest-free, and that's a separate step in the grooming dance. But for cutting down on the shedding in the house and keeping our fur-babies cool as the weather is getting noticeably warmer, the Furminator is the fastest and safest way to get the job done.

Coco is a 90 lb Yellow Lab. Cleo is a German Shepherd mix. All the cats average about 11 lbs. This is an expensive comb, so rather than get the large for the dogs and the small for the cats, I got the medium and hoped for the best. Sure enough, it has served everyone equally well. The handfuls of fur at the end of Grooming Hour are distributed throughout the garden, tucked into the lower branches of the trees, free for any of the birds to use to line their nests, if they wish to.

Such is our little paradise now that we're averaging 80 degrees again, and the trees are full and green, lending shade and not looking so skeletal.

Hammock weather.

*As penned by Friend-a-rific Matthew.
**Image: findthebestdeals.com

Indulgence

I can't begin to explain how full of joy I am at the moment. I've toasted some sourdough, spread some blue-veined cambozola cheese over it, and am cutting the saltiness with an acidic, full Cabernet.


Maybe tomorrow I'll make soup with the cheese rinds.


*Image: foodsubs.com

Brown Paper Packages Tied Up With String

Today, from Amazon:

• The West Wing (Season 1)
  
• Heads, You Lose - Lisa Lutz
• One of Our Thursdays is Missing - Jasper Fforde

I'm still hugging them.

Don’t Talk to Me Like I’m Four

Years and years ago, I saw a short lecture demonstration on PBS. It was Dr. Michael F. Roizen explaining some basic but insightful information about food’s effect on our system. The points made were revelatory and in simple enough terms, without dismissing proper terminology and the complex information sometimes imparted. I was impressed enough that since I was late in getting out a pen and paper to take some notes, I decided I wanted to get the DVD. So I got the DVD and watched the lecture again, from the beginning, and took notes.

I like understanding. Anyone who knows me knows that I’m not one to point to as an example of a well balanced diet and exercise. I’ll make no such claims. I can stand to lose a chunk of myself, I grant. But if I ever get around to becoming aggressive about losing weight, I like understanding the whys and wherefores of an altered diet. It’s the analytical part of me. I’m not one to follow a diet blindly because it’s the latest fad or because it worked for someone else. I want to understand how the food that I eat is ingested and processed in my system.

This led me to purchase and read You, The Owner’s Manual, co-written by the aforementioned Dr. Michael F. Roizen and Dr. Mehmet C. Oz. Yes. That Dr. Oz. The book was fantastic and allowed such simple adjustments in tons of different ways that it was hard not to adopt some right away. Happily, as I’d suspected, my eating habits were relatively healthy and not alarming, so in that sense, I know I don’t have a shocking alteration ahead of me if I ever do decide to become aggressive about weight loss.

And then, one day, I heard that Dr. Oz was going to have his own show about health, akin to what I’d seen Dr. Roizen air, a couple of years earlier. Perfect, I thought. Useful tips on a regular basis. Lookin’ forward.

Nobody told me (and this is a world I don’t participate in) that he was an Oprah apostle. I didn’t know that he was coming with a ready-made cult following. At first it was subtle. A studio full of women, no men. Not like that lecture Dr. Roizen gave years ago, in which there was a balanced representation of men and women of all ages. Ah well. The show started out well enough. Good information, useful, worthy of note-taking. Due to varying job schedules, I sort of lost sight of it off and on.

Lately, I’ve started to check in again, having established a more routine evening schedule. I still take notes. Just fewer. Sometimes I don’t even tune in. I’m turned off by what the show has developed into. It’s a cross between Oprah and The Price is Right, neither of which I was ever drawn to.

I don’t have anything against Oprah, or against Dr. Oz, for that matter. I have a really sensitive cringe factor, however, at fawning women who idolize. It’s like a groupie fest. How can anyone tell, you ask, if the show is supposed to be about Dr. Oz imparting information, not about the women in his audience? Well, I’ll tell ya. Where it is a good idea, once in a while, to involve an audience member in a demonstration, Dr. Oz no longer takes a single breath without the help of an audience member. And I kid you not, when their name is called, those women jump up and down at their seats and run down that aisle like they just won the lottery. Then there’s a lot of hugging and giggling and idolizing with claims of, “You’re the best! I can’t believe I’m on the show and get to meet you!” Settle down there, Sparky, you’re just going to hold a towel and then go back to your seat.

Worse than unnecessary help, is the horrific new trend of imparting information by “Playing a Game” in the style of a game show of some sort. So now, I have to sit there, through 10 minutes of women matching foods with plates or placing them in a fridge versus a counter. This comes complete with audience participation, in which everyone yells out what they think the answer is and the ones on the stage can take their cues from them. All, so that at the end of this pandemonium, I will have gathered that coffee grounds are best kept on the counter than in the fridge, and that the same is true of sliced bread. Just tell me next time. I mean, really. Here’s how it could have gone:

“As much as there isn’t a huge difference in prolonging the life of bread on the counter versus in the fridge, starch starts to go bad more quickly in cold temperature, so you may as well leave it on the counter and enjoy a fresher taste”.

See how easy that was? Information and the reason behind it.

Most of the show is this kind of filler now. Women in fake medical robes and purple latex gloves squeal and hold up a balloon or something while more women yell out foods from the audience. Chalkboards are brought out, special effects are implemented which don’t always clearly illustrate the information, and audience participants go home with a box of green tea or a jar of lavender oil. Dr. Roizen got lost in the glamorization of it all. A diminutive man, he clearly was never going to have the charismatic pull that Dr. Oz seems to enjoy. He didn’t stand a chance translating into a commercial network. The show and its host belong, now, to a throng of wistful women in good makeup and with much time on their hands.

I’m going to re-read the book and seek out Dr. Roizen and see if he’s made any further productions.

Bad Foodie...Bad, Bad Foodie!

I've had no real meal today. No sense of protein, veggies or even fruit.

I've had A LOT of tortilla chips and salsa, and then about four sips of Coke (blagh!) and two snickerdoodles.

There is hope, though. Last night I made crab chowder and it's just a matter of heating it up and ignoring any further cravings to pick at this, that, and the other.

Wish me luck.

Good Heavens

I just had more ice-cream than should be allowed.

Done and Rewarded

Whoo hoo! My taxes are done. I'm all squared away and am expecting a healthy return in a couple of weeks.

Then I got home to discover that my latest batch of Netflix movies has arrived. I shall vegetate and bask in the glory of fulfillment of responsibilities. I shall have my din-din, try the day's yogurt (taste test is coming along nicely), and cuddle with Cleopatra, the worlds most wonderful mutt.


*Image: mychamberhealthplan.biz

I Need a Secretary

So much to write:

1. Yesterday's latest live broadcast of the opera at The Met.
2. Did I ever post about Carmen?
3. The first phase of the yogurt taste test.
4. I had the most incredibly realistic dream last night.
5. My fish are dying. We seem to have a little fish apocalypse going on.
6. Alternative painting.

And for some reason, I'm running out of steam.

Part Deux

I almost forgot!

Not long after that joyous call to AT&T, I got a call from AT&T. They wanted to know (and I have to laugh now) how their service had gone. Clearly, I was flagged, listened in on or whatever because it was just minutes since I'd hung up on whatzerface of the "What key" nonsense.

I'm sure you can imagine it was a brief exchange:

AT&T: I understand you have just requested some assistance with our customer serv-
T.A.G.: Yes.
AT&T: Ma'am, may I ask what this as concerning?
T.A.G.: It was about your failure to do your job.
AT&T: An-
T.A.G.: That was the third time I'd had to go through the process of setting up an automatic payment, which is phenomenal considering I was ALREADY ON your automatic payment plan, all I had wanted to do two months ago was adjust the amount of the payment. Instead, my service was cut off, my $75 balance disappeared, and I had to waste two separate lunch hours at work and another hour at home dealing with you people, and so help me god, this would have been uglier if those $75 had not been refunded.
AT&T: And, Ma'am, have we satisfactorily solved the problem that you had?
T.A.G.: I dunno, you tell me. I mean, we're going to find out, aren't we? Come the first of next month you either will have done your job or you're going to get another phone call from me and realize that this was me being tolerant. I suggest you go review your employees' work.

Click.

Please Press "Bite Me"

Sufficiently distanced from the initial event, the boil has settled into a simmer and I can re-visit this little encounter.

The following is an Instant Message dialog I had with an indulgent friend who would not be appeased with the brief rant I’d posted earlier. Please be informed that there will be un-lady-like vocabulary. If you know me, you know that I can curse like a trucker, given just the right circumstances. I don’t get angry too easily, I’m pretty mellow. But incompetence and inefficiency are sore spots.

I copy/pasted the dialog with my friend because by the end of telling him about the dialog with AT&T, I was laughing, which is my usual mode in challenging situations. The only editing I did was for typos and such. Enjoy.

Friend: […] I want to hear the story about AT&T

This.Art.Geek: AT&T buh-lowwwwwwwwws

Friend: Clearly

T.A.G.: I have a pay as you go thing going on, but it's been auto-pay forever

T.A.G.: When I was more busily tutoring, I was always getting phone use

T.A.G.: So I had a $50/month payment

Friend: mhmm

T.A.G.: Lately, it's less active so I'd accumulated like 80 bucks

T.A.G.: So I thought it was time to get a smaller plan amount, coast on the rollover balance for a while.

T.A.G.: Went through the whole rigmarole

T.A.G.: Phone call of half an hour

T.A.G.: Asked for all the same old crap

T.A.G.: Name

T.A.G.: BD

T.A.G.: Address

T.A.G.: Credit card

T.A.G.: Blah, stinkin' blah

T.A.G.: Then they transferred me to some other place to verify/confirm and...

T.A.G.: Mind you, I’d already been on the phone for half an hour and my lunch break was over

T.A.G.: They started asking all the same questions all over again

Friend: Rigmarole redux!

T.A.G.: So I told them I'd have to finish at a later date and hung up

T.A.G.: I called back a couple of days later

T.A.G.: Same

T.A.G.: Half an hour on the phone

T.A.G.: Start over with all the exact same questions

T.A.G.: DON'T THEY WRITE THIS SHIT DOWN??????

Friend: Graah

T.A.G.: And why does it take half an hour to collect basic information?!

T.A.G.: It takes me 12 seconds to rattle it off

T.A.G.: Anyway

T.A.G.: After they took my information

T.A.G.: They transferred me to another location to verify/confirm

T.A.G.: FUCK

T.A.G.: Another 10 minutes to do that

T.A.G.: Ok, fine. At least now I was in the system and could go on with my life

T.A.G.: That was last month

T.A.G.: This month, on the 2nd of the month... no service

T.A.G.: WTF?

Friend: baaaahahahahaa

T.A.G.: I'd had 73 bucks balance left on the damned thing, plus should have auto paid another 15

T.A.G.: So, I call

T.A.G.: This time from home

T.A.G.: And I'm YELLING

T.A.G.: It takes a lot to make me yell

T.A.G.: I don't yell

T.A.G.: I’m not a yeller

Friend: ")

T.A.G.: I was yelling

T.A.G.: I called the incompetent woman incompetent

T.A.G.: I’m not sure if she actually is incompetent, but I didn't care

T.A.G.: I wanted someone to have a bad day

T.A.G.: I was working hard to ruin someone's day

Friend: Out for blood

T.A.G.: Yessir

T.A.G.: I was going to be the "rude bitch" story someone was going to tell over dinner

Friend: :-)

Friend: And you have the wordsmithistry to back it up.

T.A.G.: Oh, you'd better believe it, buster

T.A.G.: I really was a bitch

T.A.G.: I wouldn't have wanted to deal with me

T.A.G.: I told her that this was the third time I attempted to enroll in the auto plan

T.A.G.: "When I was paying you idiots $50 a month, there were no mistakes getting your money out of my bank account, but I reduce my payments to $15 and suddenly no one knows how to enter a fucking address”

Friend: lol

Friend: Or notify me that you're fucking my shit up

T.A.G.: "Ma'am, I'll take your information now. May I have your full phone num-"

T.A.G.: 714-59...

T.A.G.: 13322 Mon...

T.A.G.: And I went through all the fields she needed to fill before she could even ask for them

T.A.G.: Phone,

T.A.G.: Address

T.A.G.: Credit card

T.A.G.: Security number on credit card

T.A.G.: Security number on my file

T.A.G.: Etc

T.A.G.: And I can hear her typing away as fast as she could 'cause you know she didn't want to have to ask me to repeat myself

Friend: You always keep an empty txt file open for the rapid readers

Friend: So you can just type it out unencumbered

Friend: And fill it in bit by bit after they're done

T.A.G.: And I wrap it up with "Does the fact that I've memorized the order of the fields you have on your screen tell you ANYTHING about the amount of times I've had to do this?"

T.A.G.: "I'm sorry about that, Ma'a-"

T.A.G.: "Oh whatever, are you done?”

T.A.G.: "I have to ask you if when you called before, do you remember what key you pressed when you finished signing up for the auto pay?"

T.A.G.: "What?"

Friend: Yes, I keep a log

Friend: Let me check

T.A.G.: "The part where you are asked to verify, and are taken through a series of steps by pressing keys, do you remember what was the last key you pressed?"

Friend: "The fuck your mother key"

T.A.G.: "Are you seriously asking me if I remember what key I pressed a month ago after half an hour on the phone?"

T.A.G.: "What the hell kind of question is that?"

T.A.G.: "You want me to remember a fucking key?!"

T.A.G.: "Well, ma'am, it's important that when you go through the confirmation process, that at the end you press 1 so that it enters all of your responses into the system."

Friend: That... is a ridiculous system

T.A.G.: "Will the system ask me to press 1?"

T.A.G.: "Yes, ma'am"

T.A.G.: "Then what in the name of all that is holy, makes you think I WOULDN’T press 1?"

T.A.G.: “If it asked me to press 1, I fucking pressed 1!”

T.A.G.: "Are we done yet?"

T.A.G.: “I believe so, ma'am.”

Friend: "God, I hope so, ma'am."

T.A.G.: "I've signed you on to the auto pay program so you don't have to go through the system...”

T.A.G.: "You just did it yourself?"

T.A.G.: "Yes, ma'am"

T.A.G.: "So I don't have to go through the system?"

T.A.G.: "No, ma'am"

Friend: And that wasn't an option last time, because....

T.A.G.: “This means that the system is unnecessary.”

T.A.G.: (silence, hesitation)

T.A.G.: "Are we done?"

T.A.G.: "Yes, ma'am. Is there anything else I can hel-"

T.A.G.: "NO" Click.

T.A.G.: And THAT’S what happened with AT&T

Friend: Yaaay

Friend: *Claps*

Friend: I like story time.